For those of you who don't read long blogs...this one will be long, but it needs to be shared.
A couple of weeks ago I had a dream about my mother who passed away from cancer in January of 2008. It was so stinkin' real that when I woke up I could have sworn she was still alive.
Now I need to give a little bit of back ground info so this will all make better sense. She died not knowing what was happening. Her Inflammatory Breast Cancer had spread from her lymphnodes to her brain and once it was in her brain, she had a seizure the last week and a half of her life. The meds they had her on those last days kept her from being aware and she basically slept in the Hospice house.
This is not how she wanted to go. She always said she would rather die of something physical than to lose her wits about her. So, I was not able to say some of those things I really wanted to say to her. She was not able to see my unborn child that was born 6 weeks later.
I've been in denial about what this loss has really done to me. My mother raised me to be a strong woman - spiritually, physically and mentally. She was a tough cookie herself and fought for her life. She was determined that cancer was not going to kill her. She hardly ever complained. To see her suffer was one of the absolute hardest things I've had to witness.
Well, since July or August...I've went downhill fast. Little to no self-esteem left, really missing mom, wanting to feel her presence again, stresses at home and in our personal lives. Let's just say food was more than my comfort - lazyness to the extreme was my comfort. Crying a lot, no gumption to do much of anything besides the basics - eating, sleeping, caring for the boys (barely). I was just a plain mess and my husband didn't know how to help me. My friends (who knew my state) didn't know how to help - which I don't blame them. I was at the end of myself. So sick of myself. I am a christian, I have a relationship with Jesus, so that should have solved everything right? Well, not exactly.
One night, nothing unusual, I went to bed like normal and that's when my prayers were answered. My mother was in my dream and she knew she was dying. And she was able to talk. She was able to say she wanted all her family there with her. I was able to hug her and it felt so real. I cried in the dream while I was hugging her. I was able to share with her how much I loved her and she was able to share with everyone and say what she needed to say. She talked about Justin ( my unborn at that time) and how much she was going to miss seeing him born and he was the whole reason she fought as hard as she did the last two months of her life. I'm telling you, this dream was so real and I didn't want it to end. But she also spoke to me and said she was proud of me and wanted the best for my life.
Ugh. I woke up. Right then I knew. My life was not honoring her legacy. If she were around she would say, "now you know better than that." This was the break through I needed. I feel some closure. I feel so blessed to have had this gift - I intend not to waste it. Maybe to some it seems crazy, but I know what I feel and what I heard in my dream.
I want to live a life pleasing to God, my mother's legacy, my family and myself.
"Don't lose your passion in the process"
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