My latest photography...

Mason fishing with Daddy for the very first time.  The sun was setting just perfect and I had to snap the shot!

I have a wedding and a Senior Picture session scheduled for this summer with my amateur photography.  It really is more of a hobby than anything else.  I would like to brainstorm on how I can slowly start doing it for some extra money on the side. 

You can see some more of my pictures at this Sparkpeople blog: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=3285670

"Don't lose your passion in the process"

The "Much Needed" Dream I Had...

For those of you who don't read long blogs...this one will be long, but it needs to be shared.


A couple of weeks ago I had a dream about my mother who passed away from cancer in January of 2008. It was so stinkin' real that when I woke up I could have sworn she was still alive.


Now I need to give a little bit of back ground info so this will all make better sense. She died not knowing what was happening. Her Inflammatory Breast Cancer had spread from her lymphnodes to her brain and once it was in her brain, she had a seizure the last week and a half of her life. The meds they had her on those last days kept her from being aware and she basically slept in the Hospice house.


This is not how she wanted to go. She always said she would rather die of something physical than to lose her wits about her. So, I was not able to say some of those things I really wanted to say to her. She was not able to see my unborn child that was born 6 weeks later.

I've been in denial about what this loss has really done to me. My mother raised me to be a strong woman - spiritually, physically and mentally. She was a tough cookie herself and fought for her life. She was determined that cancer was not going to kill her. She hardly ever complained. To see her suffer was one of the absolute hardest things I've had to witness.


Well, since July or August...I've went downhill fast. Little to no self-esteem left, really missing mom, wanting to feel her presence again, stresses at home and in our personal lives. Let's just say food was more than my comfort - lazyness to the extreme was my comfort. Crying a lot, no gumption to do much of anything besides the basics - eating, sleeping, caring for the boys (barely). I was just a plain mess and my husband didn't know how to help me. My friends (who knew my state) didn't know how to help - which I don't blame them. I was at the end of myself. So sick of myself. I am a christian, I have a relationship with Jesus, so that should have solved everything right? Well, not exactly.


One night, nothing unusual, I went to bed like normal and that's when my prayers were answered. My mother was in my dream and she knew she was dying. And she was able to talk. She was able to say she wanted all her family there with her. I was able to hug her and it felt so real. I cried in the dream while I was hugging her. I was able to share with her how much I loved her and she was able to share with everyone and say what she needed to say. She talked about Justin ( my unborn at that time) and how much she was going to miss seeing him born and he was the whole reason she fought as hard as she did the last two months of her life. I'm telling you, this dream was so real and I didn't want it to end. But she also spoke to me and said she was proud of me and wanted the best for my life.


Ugh. I woke up. Right then I knew. My life was not honoring her legacy. If she were around she would say, "now you know better than that." This was the break through I needed. I feel some closure. I feel so blessed to have had this gift - I intend not to waste it. Maybe to some it seems crazy, but I know what I feel and what I heard in my dream.


I want to live a life pleasing to God, my mother's legacy, my family and myself.
 
"Don't lose your passion in the process"

Race For the Cure Inspired Me!

I just watched the Susan G. Komen, "Race for the Cure" on Cleveland's NBC affiliate.  My friend Amanda ran in the race and she called me afterward and told me how awesome it was and emotional.  As I was watching, I just knew I had to do that next year.  I saw tons of moms with strollers so I could even bring the boys!


My mom passed away in January 2008 from Inflammatory Breast Cancer.  Channel 3 interviewed a person who just lost her mom to IBC in August of 2009 and she said that her mother wanted everyone to know that you don't need a lump to have breast cancer!  Hers started with an orange peel looking rash and so did my mother's.  I just started bawling right then.  I thought to myself - that daughter on TV should be me!  I should be out there spreading the message on behalf of my mother!!!


This would have definitely been something my mom would have done if she was able to lean on a stroller and do the 1-mile walk.


I got so inspired I went online right away and found a site where you can customize T-shirts with Breast Cancer ribbons and your own photos.  I made one for me and one for each of my boys to wear.


September 2010 - I will be there!


Love you mom!  I promise I won't keep silent or be lazy about telling people your story anymore!!!




"Don't lose your passion in the process"

Ashtabula County Fair

The 2009 Ashtabula County Fair

We went to the Ashtabula County Fair on the last day to watch the truck pulls and here is a picture of Justin that Mason took.  He and daddy were sharing french fries.  It was so hot that day that we didn't even stay very long to watch the truck pulls.  Plus, it was a little loud for Justin's liking.  The fair has come to mean something different to me as I get older and my kids enjoy it.  I love watching them enjoy it and seeing things through their eyes.  We happen to be there to watch them milk cows in the milking parlor.  Justin says, "cow" so he loved this.  Mason got some free chocolate milk from the Ashtabula County Dairy Princess and a free pencil.  Before, I would walk past this and think "oh, that's nice."  But experiencing it with my children made me realize how much we can take for granted.  Everything we do with them is a learning experience.  This is why God tells us to be like the little children and to have faith like them.  God gave us kids so that we can learn from each other and maybe somehow meet in the middle.

"Don't lose your passion in the process"

The American Cancer Society:

The American Cancer Society:

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